Compared with what adults face, it might seem like kids don't have that much to stress about. But kids have their own concerns - and sometimes feel stress, just as adults do. And kids' stresses can be just as overwhelming, particularly if they don't have effective coping strategies.
The latest KidsHealth® KidsPoll explored what kids stress about the most, how they cope with these feelings, and what they want their parents to do about it.
The poll showed that kids are dealing with their stresses in both healthy and unhealthy ways, and while they may not say so, they do want their parents to reach out and help them cope with their feelings.
The poll underscored how important it is for parents to teach kids to recognize and express their emotions, and to use healthy ways to cope with the stress they experience. By guiding them to healthy coping skills, parents can help prepare kids to tackle whatever stresses they meet throughout their lives.
Results of the PollWe asked kids to tell us what things cause them the most stress. Kids said that they were stressed out the most by: grades, school and homework (36%); family (32%); and friends, peers, gossip, and teasing (21%).
These are the coping strategies kids said they use the most (they could give more than one response):
52% play or do something active
44% listen to music
42% watch TV or play a video game
30% talk to a friend
29% try not to think about it
28% try to work things out
26% eat something
23% lose their temper
22% talk to a parent
11% cry
About 25% of the kids we surveyed said that when they are upset, they take it out on themselves, either by banging their heads against something, hitting or biting themselves, or doing something else to hurt themselves. These kids also were more likely to have other unhealthy coping strategies, such as eating, losing their tempers, and keeping problems to themselves.
The idea that kids would do things to try to harm themselves may be shocking to parents. But for some kids, feelings of stress, frustration, helplessness, hurt, or anger can be overwhelming. And without a way to express or release the feelings, a kid may feel like a volcano ready to erupt - or at least let off steam.
Sometimes, kids blame themselves when things go wrong. They might feel ashamed, embarrassed, or angry at themselves for the role they played in the situation. Hurting themselves may be a way to express the stress and blame themselves at the same time.
The poll also revealed important news for parents. Though talking to parents ranked eighth on the list of most popular coping methods, 75% of the kids surveyed said they want and need their parents' help in times of trouble. When they're stressed, they'd like their parents to talk with them, help them solve the problem, try to cheer them up, or just spend time together.
What Parents Can Do
You may not be able to prevent your child from feeling frustrated, sad, or angry, but you can provide the tools your child needs to cope with these emotions.
Notice out loud.
Tell your child when you notice something he or she might be feeling. ("It seems like you still feel mad about what happened at the playground, huh?") This shouldn't sound like an accusation (as in: "OK, what happened now? Are you still mad about that?") or make a child feel put on the spot. It's just a casual observation that you're interested in hearing more about your child's concern.
Listen to your child.
Ask your child to tell you what's wrong. Listen attentively and calmly - with interest, patience, openness, and caring. Avoid any urge to judge, blame, lecture, or tell your child what he or she should have done instead. The idea is to let your child's concerns (and feelings) be heard. Encourage your child to tell the whole story by asking questions like "And then what happened?" and to keep going with "What else happened?" and "ummm-hmmm."
Take your time.
And let your child take his or her time, too.
Comment briefly on the feelings you think your child was experiencing as you listen to the story. For example, you might say something like: "That must have been upsetting," or "No wonder you felt mad when they wouldn't let you in the game," or "That must have felt unfair to you." Doing this shows that you understand what your child felt, why he or she felt that way, and that you care. Feeling understood and listened to helps your child feel connected to you, and that is especially important in times of stress.
Put a label on it.
Many kids do not yet have words for their feelings. If your child seems angry or frustrated, use those feeling words to help your child learn to identify the emotions by name. That will help put feelings into words so they can be expressed and communicated more easily, which helps your child develop emotional awareness - the ability to recognize his or her own emotional states. A child who is able to recognize and identify emotions is less likely to reach the behavioral boiling point where strong emotions get demonstrated through behaviors rather than communicated with words.
Help your child think of things to do.
Suggest activities your child can do to feel better now and to solve the problem at hand. Encourage your child to think of a couple of ideas. You can get the brainstorm started if necessary, but don't do all the work. Your child's active participation will build confidence. Support your child's good ideas and add to them as needed. Ask, "How do you think this will work?" Sometimes talking and listening and feeling understood is all that's needed to help a child's frustrations begin to melt away. Other times the thing to do is to change the subject and move on to something more positive and relaxing. Don't give the problem more attention than it deserves.
Just be there.
Sometimes kids don't feel like talking about what's bothering them. It's a good idea to respect that, give your child space, and still make it clear that you'll be there when he or she does feel like talking. Even when kids don't feel like talking, they usually don't want parents to leave them alone. You can help your child feel better just by being there - to keep him or her company and spend time together. So if you notice your child seems to be down in the dumps, stressed, or having a bad day - but doesn't feel like talking - initiate something you can do together. Take a walk, watch a movie, shoot some hoops, or bake some cookies. Isn't it nice to know that your presence really counts?
Be patient.
As a parent, it hurts to see your child unhappy or worried. But try to resist the urge to fix every problem. Instead, focus on helping your child, slowly but surely, grow into a good problem-solver - a kid who knows how to roll with life's ups and downs, put feelings into words, calm down when needed, and bounce back to try again. Remember that you can't fix everything, and that you won't be there to solve each problem as your child goes through life. But by learning healthy coping strategies, your child can manage whatever stresses come in the future.
About the Poll
The national KidsPoll surveyed 875 9- to 13-year-old boys and girls regarding how they coped with stress. The KidsPoll is a collaboration of the Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth, the Department of Health Education and Recreation at Southern Illinois University - Carbondale, the National Association of Health Education Centers (NAHEC), and participating health education centers throughout the United States. Those centers include:
Robert Crown Center for Health Education, Hinsdale, Illinois
HealthWorks! Kids Museum, South Bend, Indiana
Health World Children's Museum, Barrington, Illinois
Ruth Lilly Health Education Center, Indianapolis, Indiana
Susan P. Byrnes Health Education Center, York, Pennsylvania
Poe Center for Health Education, Raleigh, North Carolina
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhDDate reviewed: October 2005
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How do you keep a 1-year-old from heading toward the VCR? What should you do when your preschooler throws a fit? How can you get your adolescent to respect your authority? Find out here how to vary your approach to discipline to best fit your family.
Whatever the age of your child, it's important to be consistent in disciplining your child. If you don't stick to the rules and consequences that you set up, your child isn't likely to either.
Ages 0 to 2
Knowing that babies and toddlers are naturally curious, it's a good idea to eliminate any temptations for your young child to act out. Keep your young child's environment relatively free of no-nos - items such as VCRs, stereos, jewelry, and especially cleaning supplies and medications should be kept well out of his reach. When your crawling baby or roving toddler heads toward an unacceptable or dangerous play object, calmly say, "No," and redirect your child by either removing him or her from the area or engaging your child's attention with an appropriate activity.
Timeouts can be effective discipline for toddlers. A child who has been hitting, biting, or throwing food, for example, should be told why that behavior is unacceptable and taken to a designated timeout area - a kitchen chair or bottom stair - for a minute or two to calm down (longer timeouts are not effective for toddlers).
It's important to not spank, hit, or slap a child of any age. Babies and toddlers are especially unlikely to be able to make any connection between their behavior and physical punishment. They will only feel the pain of the hit.
And don't forget, kids learn by watching adults, particularly their parents. Make sure your behavior is role-model material. You will make a much stronger impact on your child if he sees you putting your belongings away, too, rather than if you just tell him or her to pick up the toys while you leave your stuff strewn across the kitchen counter.
Ages 3 to 5
As your child grows and can begin to understand the connection between actions and consequences, make sure you begin to communicate the rules of your family's home. It's important to explain to kids what you expect of them before you punish them for a certain behavior. For instance, the first time your 3-year-old uses crayons to decorate the living room wall, you should discuss why that is not allowed and what will happen if your child does this again. Explain to your child that he or she will have to help clean the wall and will not be able to use the crayons for the rest of the afternoon. If your child draws on the walls again a few days later, it's a good idea to remind your child that crayons are for paper only and then enforce the consequences.
The earlier parents can set up this kind of "I set the rules and you're expected to listen or accept the consequences," the better for everyone. Although it's sometimes easier for parents to ignore occasional bad behavior or fail to follow through on some threatened punishment, this risks setting a bad precedent. Consistency is the key to effective discipline. It's important for parents to decide together what the rules are and then be consistent in upholding them.
At the same time you become clear on what behaviors will be punished, don't forget to reward good behaviors. And don't underestimate the positive effect that your praise can have on your child. Discipline is not just about punishment. Parents need to remember to recognize good behavior. For example, you could say, "I'm proud of you for sharing your toys at playgroup." This is usually more effective than punishing a child for the opposite behavior - not sharing. And be specific when praising your child; don't just say, "Good job!"
If your child is displaying an unacceptable behavior that just won't go away no matter what you do, consider setting up a chart system. Put up a chart with a box for each day of the week on the refrigerator and decide how many chances you'll give your child to display the unacceptable behavior before some punishment kicks in or how long the proper behavior must be displayed before it is rewarded. Then simply keep track by monitoring on a daily basis. This will give your child (and you) a concrete look at how he or she doing. Once this begins to work, don't forget to praise your child for learning to control misbehavior and especially for overcoming any stubborn problem.
Timeouts also can work well for children at this stage. Establish a suitable timeout place that is free of distractions and will force your child to think about how he or she has behaved. Remember, getting sent to your room may have meant something in the days before computers, TVs, and video games were stored there. Don't forget to consider the length of time that will best suit your child. Experts say 1 minute for each year of age is a good rule of thumb to follow; others recommend using the timeout until the child is calmed down (to teach self-regulation).
It's important to tell your child what the right thing to do is, not just to tell your child what not to do. For example, instead of telling your child: "Don't jump on the couch," you may want to say: "Please sit on the furniture and put your feet on the floor."
Ages 6 to 8
Timeouts and consequences are also effective discipline strategies with this age group.
Again, consistency is crucial, as is following through. Make good on any promises of discipline or else you will risk undermining your authority. Kids have to believe that you mean what you say. This is not to say you can't give second chances or allow your child a certain margin of error, but for the most part, you should follow through with what you say.
Be careful not to make unrealistic threats of punishment ("Slam that door and you'll never watch TV again!") in anger, since not following through could weaken all your threats. If you threaten to turn the car around and go home if the squabbling in the backseat doesn't stop, make sure you do exactly that. The lost day at the beach is much less valuable than the credibility you'll gain with your kids.
Huge punishments may take away your power as a parent. If you ground your son or daughter for a month, your child may not feel motivated to change his or her behavior because everything has already been taken away.
Ages 9 to 12
Kids in this age group - just as with all ages - can be disciplined with natural consequences. As they mature and request more independence and responsibility, teaching them to deal with the consequences of their behavior is an effective and appropriate method of discipline.
For example, if your fifth grader has not done his or her homework before bedtime, should you make him or her stay up or help him finish? Probably not, since you'll be missing an opportunity to teach your child something about life. If he or she doesn't do homework earlier, your child will go to school without it the next day and suffer the resulting bad grade.
It's natural for you to want to rescue your child from any mistakes, but in the long run you'll be doing your child more of a favor if you let him or her fail sometimes. Your child will see what behaving improperly can mean, and will probably not make those mistakes again. However, if your child does not seem to be learning from natural consequences, you should set up your own consequences to help him modify his behavior more effectively.
Ages 13 and Up
By now you've laid the groundwork. Your child knows what's expected of him or her and knows that you mean what you say about the consequences of bad behavior. Don't let down your guard now - discipline is just as important for teens as it is for younger children. Just like the 4-year-old who needs you to set a bedtime and stick to it, no matter how much he or she whines, your teen needs to know boundaries, too.
Make sure to set up rules regarding homework, visits by friends, curfews, and dating and discuss them beforehand with your teenager so there will be no misunderstandings. Your teen, although he or she will probably complain from time to time, will realize that you are in control. Believe it or not, teens still want and need you to set limits and enforce order in their lives, even as you grant them greater freedom and responsibility.
When your teen does break a rule, taking away privileges may seem to be the best plan of action. While it's fine to take away the car for a week, for example, be sure to discuss with your child why coming home an hour past curfew is unacceptable and worrisome.
It's also important to give a teenager some control over life. Not only will this limit the number of power struggles you may have, it will help your teen to respect the decisions you must make for him or her. With a younger teen, you could allow him or her to make his or her own decisions concerning school clothes, hair styles, or even the condition of his or her room. As your teen gets older, that realm of control might be extended to include an occasional relaxed curfew.
It's also important to focus on the positives. For example, have your child earn a later curfew by demonstrating positive behavior, rather than giving your teen an earlier curfew as punishment for irresponsible behavior.
A Word About SpankingThere is perhaps no more controversial form of discipline than spanking. Here are some reasons why the American Academy of Pediatrics encourages parents to avoid spanking:
Spanking teaches children that it's OK to hit when they're angry.
Spanking can physically harm children.
Rather than teaching children how to change their behavior, spanking makes them fearful of their parents and teaches them merely to avoid getting caught.
In the case of children who are looking for attention by acting out, spanking may inadvertently "reward" children by giving them attention - negative attention is better than no attention at all.
Updated and reviewed by: Jennifer Schroff Pendley, PhDDate reviewed: June 2005Reviewed by: Steven Dowshen, MD, and Jennifer Shroff Pendley, PhD
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